Posts Tagged ‘Divorce’

Man Week is over, but I’ve just discovered it and decided to add my two bobs worth.

I’ve been scared to write about this post and the ones that will follow for fear of what other people will think, will their view of me be diminished, will I seem weak and will I think even less of myself as I see these thoughts and feelings written down for the first time?

This is a story I have intended to share since I first started the SavingAlan project, it was the reason for starting it, not just to talk about how I am going to lose weight or raise money for charity, but to share my story and personal challenges.

Maybe for validation that I am not the only one who faces the demons I do, or maybe that writing it down will give me insight into my own condition as well and maybe shine a light on a path forward.

The discovery of some awesome posts from Julian, Scott, Gavin,  Jye ,Joel, Mark and Gavin have prompted me to sit down and get it done. I don’t have prosaic skills of these guys, but it’s time I added my voice.

On my interview with Stubbsy I said that I would now open up and talk about how I became obese, as I firmly believe it is what is between my ears that caused it, not simply what I chose to eat. It’s not about discipline, about routine, about knowledge, about skills, about self worth / esteem, about family, about belonging, about expectations and a hundred other things. It’s about all those things and more.

I have suffered and battled with depression / melancholy on and off for all my adult life (and possibly some of my childhood as well), but it has taken until my mid forties to realise that was what I was experiencing. It took a second marriage breakdown for me to get to the crisis point, the feeling of hopelessness, of desperation, of a sadness so heavy it was physical.

But being a man I’m expected to be able to handle these things, to continue to function at work, socially, as a parent, as a mentor, as a son and all the other roles we fulfil in our daily lives.

During the two years it took to battle for some custody of my son, during the time when I needed friends and family close by I ostracised them all. I literally couldn’t function and I didn’t want anyone to know, I couldn’t let the veneer crack. The odd thing is they could see it clearer than I could!

As men we need to be aware of each other’s need to talk, we need to make sure we can be good listeners for our friends and family. There were many times when I tried to have a conversation about how I was feeling that the other person took over the conversation and it became about them, when I just really needed someone to listen even if they didn’t understand, just to listen to me so I could hear myself. Instead it stayed bottled up inside.

Three moments are so clear in my mind, and I never want to revisit those feelings again;

1. Not long after the marriage broke down and I had moved out, I was sitting in the courtyard just feeling helpless and hopeless. Thinking about how it all turned out this way, this wasn’t how it was supposed to be. I was supposed to have the happy marriage, awesome job and beautiful house and here I was finding it impossible to find one good thing in my life. It was an easy path to consider that it would all be better off without me, but I don’t have the balls to do that, but I thought about all the people who do feel that there is no way out and in desperation and hopelessness take their own lives.
2. Some months later at home, walking around the backyard bawling my eyes out, my whole body heaving. An incredibly heavy sad feeling, but not for a specific reason, it was just everything built up – I had screwed my marriages (yep there was an earlier one), my work life, my friendships and here I was alone fighting so I hopefully would not screw up again by being an absent father.
3. Driving home from work during this time was a battle, going home to an empty house was just a reminder of what I saw as failure on all fronts. It was a destination, not a small part of the eventual journey. I would just cry all the way home.

In the later stages of the custody battle I worked for small ad agency that did some work for Beyond Blue. I remember seeing the new set of TV ads and was horrified that I was looking at myself, it was me in those ads … it couldn’t be.

I rang Beyond Blue for help, and basically all they did was send to their website to find a counsellor / psyche, which didn’t really help much. So I trotted off to my GP who quickly understood what was going on and set me up with a Psychologist. I did 10 sessions and felt like I got nothing out of it, and it would have been so easy to just give up, accept my lot and maintain the survival mode, even though I longed to feel alive again, to feel loved, to love and to laugh.

Over the following months I had given up the idea of how I could find someone I could connect with, who could help unlock what was going on, what I was going through and get me to understand my behaviours and the beliefs that drive them.

During this time I tried think of the times when I have been happiest in my life, when I felt of value to myself and others, when I was passionate about what I was doing and felt really alive. I dug back to the late 80’s and realised that two common themes kept emerging – music and charity.

So I started to formulate SavingAlan and having discussions with people when I got the chance to test the waters, to see if they would drag me down or dismiss it as a stupid idea. Instead the support I got was incredibly positive and so I sat on it and procrastinated for a couple of years.

About 18 months ago I accepted an invitation to dinner with some business colleagues and the conversation quickly became very open about experiences, about life and how we felt about our own current situations. There was a strong resonance in each of our stories, but most importantly one of the women gave me an introduction to a counsellor / psychologist.

This has been serendipitous introduction, my time with Jan (counsellor, coach, psychologist) has been an incredibly positive influence. The level of understanding I have, the insight into myself that I have learnt and am continuing to learn is helping me every day get my life back to where I want it heading. She challenges me to be honest with myself and to get to the underlying belief system I have built up over the years and to see its madness and how this has shaped so many things in my life and turned one with so much energy and enthusiasm for life into a survivor.

The good news is I am on the path back, I don’t need to be perfect, I don’t need a perfect life I just need my life full of my passions, after all, that’s all any of us need.

I teach my son to have the courage to walk to the beat of his own drum, now it’s time for me to walk the talk!

There is so much more this story, too much for a single post, but now I have started it and it’s out there I can let the fear go.

Five years ago I went on a weight loss charge and lost close to 50 kilos – I’ll talk about it later, but the key difference is that I had a supportive wife who cooked meals to plan, so I didn’t have to worry about managing my food and more importantly meal planning, preparation and cooking. These days it’s a bit different being a single father (divorced).

One of the amazing things I found last time was that because I have detoxed my body when Easter came around and I indulged, I broke out in hives as a reaction to chocolate. I was devastated as a chocoholic that one of my favourite foods could do that.

So today is easter Sunday and I have consumed a fair bit of chocolate – not as much as previous years, but still a fair bit and I know I am going to have to work it off , or should I say walk it off, that’s the flip side of indulging. This weeks weigh in will interesting to see if I can counterbalance the indulgence with exercise. last week was great because I was on leave I could go for a mid morning or late afternoon walk, this week I need to a bit more structured with the pressures of work returning, speaking engagements, music rehearsals and the like.

I still reckon I can lose at least 1.5 kilos .. let’s see what happens!

A friend of mine called a little while ago to have a chat, he had just spoken to his son as he does every second day (as instructed by the court) although I know he’d love to speak to him every day.

A nasty custody battle was resolved two years ago after an expensive court battle and yet the spite and hatred rage from his ex-partner continues. She refuses to communicate with him at all making joint parenting impossible. The only communication he gets from her is through their son. She ignores emails, text messages, communication books (as instructed by the court) and any other means he has tried.

On the phone my friend asked his son to check with his Mum if it was ok if he called in the morning to wish him a Merry Christmas, guess what, she said no. He said he could hear the sadness in his sons voice as he told him, let alone feeling hurt himself.

It amazes me that people use children in their battles, that they can sustain the rage and hatred after years and still think that it’s doing someone any good at all.

So much for Christmas cheer and caring about her sons happiness.

Grinch!