Posts Tagged ‘depression’

I found this in my pocket the other day, not certain where it came from  but I think I should thank Claire.

It beats punishment

So here I sit on NYE 2009, just an hour to go until the new year comes and with it more hopes and dreams that I need to find ways of turning into realities. I’m not sure if I am ready, but I wasn’t really ready 11 months ago when I et out on this journey.

It’s been a pretty amazing year by anyone’s standards, here are some of the highlights and lowlights of the year and stories that made it into the 130+ blog posts during 2009.

• Launched Saving Alan, sharing my journey through a blog and social media.
• Appeared on Channel 7 News in January 2009 regarding obesity and genetic research.
• Having a fitness age of 80 and a BMI of over 50 putting me in the “Super Obese” category. (BMI now 37)
• Reducing my risk of heart disease substantially.
• Running a fundraiser for the victims of the vic bushfires with a couple of other local bands and raising over $3,500 in one night
• Lost 40+ kilos from a starting weight of 158 kilograms.
• Sponsorship of $6,400+ for Baker Heart and Diabetes Institute.
• Become a Yogi, loving Bikram Yoga and going on average 2-3 times a week.
• Cooking, skill improved and filmed 8 Cooking with Al sessions, more to come next year.
• Reconnection with old friends and colleagues.
• Generosity, love and support of family and friends.
• Putting myself first sometimes more often.
• Better understanding of what makes me tick and why I make certain choices.
• I like myself a whole lot more.
• Temptations – the failures and the successes, both equally as important.
• On air interview with Richard Stubbs on 774 ABC Radio Melbourne in May.
• Part of Perfect Gift For a Man book for the Inspire Foundation.
• Featured in an article in Sun-Herald on December 13.
• Story coming on Channel 7’s Today Tonight.
• Openly discussing depression and my darkest moments publicly for the first time.
• Started a new band  (a second one)
• Axed from original band of 7 years for personal reasons that they wouldn’t share – don’t you love 30+ year so called friendships.
• Resigned from new band – now selling one of two drum kits.

The key thing was a happy year with lots of time spent with my son. Most of ll I m in a much better and healthier place than this time last year and I have so many wonderful people to thank, which I will, but at another time. It’s getting late, I’m tired and I want to make the 8am Yoga class and set my intent for 2010.

I am enjoying the journey with all it’s highs and lows and twists and turns and look forward to 2010 as an absolute breakthrough year.

I’ll share resolutions / targets with you in the New Year.

Meanwhile have a safe and happy New Year.

I travelled to Sydney last week to present at a business conference, which was great fun, lots of positive affirmation and some really interesting and smart people (Photo’s here and here). Had some great meetings as well and because the Sydney team don’t see me that often they are always amazed at how much weight I have lost and that is a buzz as well, because I live with it every day I don’t see the change as being dramatic, and I suppose it isn’t really, on average just under 1 kilogram a week.

Most of you would know that I was a contributor to the book “The Perfect Gift for a Man”, if not head over to the site and buy a book for every man in your life – go on, do it now!. Anyway through that experience and twittering and blogging about it a journalist from the Sun-Herald in Sydney found my story and was interested in talking to me further about it.

Without hesitating I agreed to meet and so on Tuesday night I met with features writer Nick Galvin and photographer Quentin (as in the famous Quentin’s Arch at Walsh Bay) to share more of my story and why I decided to go the route of being so public about my battle with weight and the depression / melancholy behind it.

I’ve dealt with enough journos over the years to have a healthy mistrust of being misquoted or worse misunderstood, but Nick was fantastic and we had a wide ranging chat about my life.

I don’t consider my story, my life or what I am doing now as that amazing or inspiring (this is not a fishing expedition for support) but I do get that the weight loss story has enough different issues that there will be something there that will resonate with most people if they have some level of insight.

Nick’s opening line was “so when is the book coming out?”

I am really not considering a book, a movie or anything else, I just want to get rid of the weight and teach myself the skills that enable me to reach that end and keep it off for good. I reckon the last thing the world needs is another bloody diet book, although that I would never attempt. They say never say never, so who knows? I saw a clairvoyant in April ‘08 and she said that I would write a book about something that I had achieved, so maybe I will or maybe I wont?

Anyway next Sunday (29 November) there will be a story on Saving Alan in the Sydney newspaper the Sun-Herald. I hope they can get it published in the Melbourne Age as well, fingers crossed, and I hope that it generates that last minute fundraising push that I am after.

Thanks Nick and Quentin, for being interested in Saving Alan and for the care and support you showed during our chat.

Highlights and lowlights can come in close succession, one has a way of lifting high, while the other drags you down and suffocates the will.

The last few days have been absolutely fantastic, spending almost 5 days straight with my boy, being active, hanging out, talking, cooking, reading and making stuff up was just great. But the flip side is when he leaves and the house just seems so empty and barren and I don’t know what to do with myself. I have a large list of things that need to get done, but I just couldn’t be bothered with them, so procrastination takes over. It’s just a crap feeling and I am sick of it.

I just defeated McDonalds .. after having a bit of a run in (over what I still can’t figure out) with someone and after dropping D back at his Mum’s house I had that familiar feeling of just not giving toss, not caring, what did it matter, who really cares (hear the self pity kicking in?) to the point where I actually got in the car and drove to McDonalds.

200 metres short I stopped the car and asked myself did I really want to eat McDonalds and undo all the hard work I’ve done over the past 4-5 days, the exercise and the cooking? and did I really want to front up to weigh in on Thursday and have an average or poor result all because I ate McDonalds for feeling down.

I did the unbelievable … I started driving again and drove right by and went back home. Still feeling down, but better because I hadn’t buckled.

If you haven’t checked out the Perfect Gift for a Man as yet, head over to www.theperfectgiftforaman.com.au and see what all the fuss is about.

Here’s my 12seconds.tv contribution

Back in July I wrote a post called “The Path Back” which touched on my battle with depressions and facing up to it, with all the feelings of hopelessness, the self doubt, the loneliness, the vulnerability and the fear that goes with it.

It was part of a  project called Man Week. From the series of posts by a variety of bloggers Gavin Heaton and Mark Pollard decided it would be great to combine a whole range of the stories into a book and publish it for the benefit of the Inspire Foundation and so today is the launch of a book called “The Perfect Gift for a Man”. The stories look at a range of subjects from a very open and honest perspective.

I’m lucky enough and honored to be involved and as friends and supporters of my journey I’d ask each of you to visit the website and consider buying the book for a brother, son, father, uncle, cousin, nephew, work mate or friend.

Visit the Perfect Gift for  Man website to find out more.

Buy the soft cover book at Blurb

Buy the ebook at The Perfect Gift for a Man website

If you’re in the media, why not promote the release, access the press release here, or see below (sort of makes the link useless doesn’t it)

And if you haven’t sponsored me yet, hurry there’s only 4 weeks and 5 days left! Do it now!

Blurb “Man book” on sale to support Aussie men
Australia’s first “man book” raises money to lower suicide rates in Aussie men

A group of Australian men have banded together to create a book about some of the tough issues facing the average Aussie bloke.

The book, “The perfect gift for a man – 30 stories about reinventing manhood” aims to get men talking about their feelings in a bid to help prevent male suicide in Australia. This collection of stories was designed and published using Blurb, the creative publishing platform that enables anyone to design, publish, market, and sell their own professional-quality books.

The “man book” is available for purchase in the Blurb Bookstore at www.blurb.com/my/book/detail/915312 with all profits benefiting the Inspire Foundation, a national non-profit that delivers online programs to prevent youth suicide and improve young people’s mental health and well being.

Touched by the mental health, drug and alcohol problems facing young Australia men, Australian bloggers Gavin Heaton and Mark Pollard appealed to their readers, friends, and family to share honestly the intense emotions and experiences of being a man.

“As bloggers, we have been talking about men’s issues such as depression, mental health and coping with loss for years,” Gavin Heaton, one of the books creators said.

“We had the idea to do a book for men, about men, but finding a channel that helps us design, compile, publish and sell the coffee-table type book isn’t straightforward. But now any Australian can create his or her own professional-quality books, and use the Blurb publishing and marketing platform to reach people around the world and sell books in the Blurb Bookstore,” Mr  Heaton said.

Tim Parsons from Blurb Australia said self publishing was an increasingly popular way to create a book for those who are finding it hard to get a book deal but have something interesting and important to say.

“Blurb is very pleased to help these gentlemen publish “The perfect gift for a man – 30 stories about reinventing manhood”. Developing a book to encourage young Australian men to feel comfortable sharing their feelings and reinventing the idea of Australian masculinity is an important step towards a generation of happier and healthier men,” Tim Parsons, Blurb Australia said. “We encourage anyone with a story to tell to visit www.blurb.com and get started today.”

An excerpt from “The perfect gift for a man – 30 stories about reinventing manhood” reads:

“If I’ve learned anything through all this it is that there aren’t any hard-and-fast rules for how to be a man
in this crazy and unpredictable emotional tornado we call life. The only thing we can really be assured of
is that life will continue to change for us all, regardless of how much we wish it wouldn’t. All I know is that how you grow and evolve as a man to meet the challenges that life will inevitably throw at you is what really counts. I’ve learned that no matter how alone or broken you feel there are men and women who care enough to be there for you, to help you feel less broken and alone.”- Scott Drummond

“We want men to read the stories of others and find strength in knowing that others have lived through the same issues and gone on to live rich lives. It was important for us to find a way for Australian men to share their life experiences and help young men realise that it’s ok to reach out and ask for help when its needed,” said Gavin Heaton.

“The perfect gift for a man – 30 stories reinventing manhood” is priced at $44.95 and is available for sale http://www.blurb.com/my/book/detail/915312.

- Ends-
About Blurb
Blurb® is a creative publishing and marketing platform that unleashes the creative genius inside everyone. Blurb’s platform makes it easy to design, publish, market and sell professional-quality books, using our free, award-winning Blurb BookSmart® software, or via the design tool of your choice.  Use Blurb’s Bookstore and online marketing tools to market and sell your books, and keep 100% of your profit. Use Blurb’s social and community features to create and share Blurb books with your friends and colleagues with ease.
Blurb was founded by Eileen Gittins in 2005, and includes a team of design, Internet and media veterans who share a passion for helping people bring their stories to life. Blurb is based in San Francisco with offices in London, and is funded by Canaan Partners and Anthem Venture Partners. For more info, visit http://www.blurb.com.. Blurb supports online community projects for Flickr, Google, Tate Modern, Saatchi & Saatchi and in Australia supports community projects at Australian Centre for Photography, McFarlane Prize for Best Australian Web Design and Concrete Playground. For more info, visit http://au.blurb.com

About Gavin Heaton & Mark Pollard
Gavin is the author of Servant of Chaos, one of Australia’s leading marketing blogs. He is the co-publisher of the ground-breaking collaborative marketing book, Age of Conversation. Gavin has worked in marketing agencies, but is currently holed up on the client side, for global software giant, SAP. He is fascinated with the way communities can create movements which transform the way we see and understand the world.
Mark Pollard is a strategy guy who loves to write. By day, he is a Strategy Director in a communications agency; the rest of the time he tries to be a good dad and husband. Unfortunately, too often, things are actually split like that, but he’s hoping that by writing about his experiences in a way that is both provocative and useful to other people – not purely for catharsis – the split will one day disappear.
About the Inspire Foundation (www.inspire.org.au)
Inspire is an Australian non-profit organisation established in 1996 with a mission to help millions of young people lead happier lives. By combining the power of technology with the face-to-face involvement of young people, Inspire  delivers national online programs, www.reachout.com and www.actnow.com.au, that improve the mental health and wellbeing of young people. In mid-2009, to coincide with the re-launch of Reach Out, Inspire launched the #Manweek campaign to raise awareness of these issues.

Man Week is over, but I’ve just discovered it and decided to add my two bobs worth.

I’ve been scared to write about this post and the ones that will follow for fear of what other people will think, will their view of me be diminished, will I seem weak and will I think even less of myself as I see these thoughts and feelings written down for the first time?

This is a story I have intended to share since I first started the SavingAlan project, it was the reason for starting it, not just to talk about how I am going to lose weight or raise money for charity, but to share my story and personal challenges.

Maybe for validation that I am not the only one who faces the demons I do, or maybe that writing it down will give me insight into my own condition as well and maybe shine a light on a path forward.

The discovery of some awesome posts from Julian, Scott, Gavin,  Jye ,Joel, Mark and Gavin have prompted me to sit down and get it done. I don’t have prosaic skills of these guys, but it’s time I added my voice.

On my interview with Stubbsy I said that I would now open up and talk about how I became obese, as I firmly believe it is what is between my ears that caused it, not simply what I chose to eat. It’s not about discipline, about routine, about knowledge, about skills, about self worth / esteem, about family, about belonging, about expectations and a hundred other things. It’s about all those things and more.

I have suffered and battled with depression / melancholy on and off for all my adult life (and possibly some of my childhood as well), but it has taken until my mid forties to realise that was what I was experiencing. It took a second marriage breakdown for me to get to the crisis point, the feeling of hopelessness, of desperation, of a sadness so heavy it was physical.

But being a man I’m expected to be able to handle these things, to continue to function at work, socially, as a parent, as a mentor, as a son and all the other roles we fulfil in our daily lives.

During the two years it took to battle for some custody of my son, during the time when I needed friends and family close by I ostracised them all. I literally couldn’t function and I didn’t want anyone to know, I couldn’t let the veneer crack. The odd thing is they could see it clearer than I could!

As men we need to be aware of each other’s need to talk, we need to make sure we can be good listeners for our friends and family. There were many times when I tried to have a conversation about how I was feeling that the other person took over the conversation and it became about them, when I just really needed someone to listen even if they didn’t understand, just to listen to me so I could hear myself. Instead it stayed bottled up inside.

Three moments are so clear in my mind, and I never want to revisit those feelings again;

1. Not long after the marriage broke down and I had moved out, I was sitting in the courtyard just feeling helpless and hopeless. Thinking about how it all turned out this way, this wasn’t how it was supposed to be. I was supposed to have the happy marriage, awesome job and beautiful house and here I was finding it impossible to find one good thing in my life. It was an easy path to consider that it would all be better off without me, but I don’t have the balls to do that, but I thought about all the people who do feel that there is no way out and in desperation and hopelessness take their own lives.
2. Some months later at home, walking around the backyard bawling my eyes out, my whole body heaving. An incredibly heavy sad feeling, but not for a specific reason, it was just everything built up – I had screwed my marriages (yep there was an earlier one), my work life, my friendships and here I was alone fighting so I hopefully would not screw up again by being an absent father.
3. Driving home from work during this time was a battle, going home to an empty house was just a reminder of what I saw as failure on all fronts. It was a destination, not a small part of the eventual journey. I would just cry all the way home.

In the later stages of the custody battle I worked for small ad agency that did some work for Beyond Blue. I remember seeing the new set of TV ads and was horrified that I was looking at myself, it was me in those ads … it couldn’t be.

I rang Beyond Blue for help, and basically all they did was send to their website to find a counsellor / psyche, which didn’t really help much. So I trotted off to my GP who quickly understood what was going on and set me up with a Psychologist. I did 10 sessions and felt like I got nothing out of it, and it would have been so easy to just give up, accept my lot and maintain the survival mode, even though I longed to feel alive again, to feel loved, to love and to laugh.

Over the following months I had given up the idea of how I could find someone I could connect with, who could help unlock what was going on, what I was going through and get me to understand my behaviours and the beliefs that drive them.

During this time I tried think of the times when I have been happiest in my life, when I felt of value to myself and others, when I was passionate about what I was doing and felt really alive. I dug back to the late 80’s and realised that two common themes kept emerging – music and charity.

So I started to formulate SavingAlan and having discussions with people when I got the chance to test the waters, to see if they would drag me down or dismiss it as a stupid idea. Instead the support I got was incredibly positive and so I sat on it and procrastinated for a couple of years.

About 18 months ago I accepted an invitation to dinner with some business colleagues and the conversation quickly became very open about experiences, about life and how we felt about our own current situations. There was a strong resonance in each of our stories, but most importantly one of the women gave me an introduction to a counsellor / psychologist.

This has been serendipitous introduction, my time with Jan (counsellor, coach, psychologist) has been an incredibly positive influence. The level of understanding I have, the insight into myself that I have learnt and am continuing to learn is helping me every day get my life back to where I want it heading. She challenges me to be honest with myself and to get to the underlying belief system I have built up over the years and to see its madness and how this has shaped so many things in my life and turned one with so much energy and enthusiasm for life into a survivor.

The good news is I am on the path back, I don’t need to be perfect, I don’t need a perfect life I just need my life full of my passions, after all, that’s all any of us need.

I teach my son to have the courage to walk to the beat of his own drum, now it’s time for me to walk the talk!

There is so much more this story, too much for a single post, but now I have started it and it’s out there I can let the fear go.